I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So much rum. So many feels.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
