So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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