Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
