Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
