I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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