I'm gonna have a badass scar
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
