i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
