Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize