I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
