Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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