Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I need moral support for this bender
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
