You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
