Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
