meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
