mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
