Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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