Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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