No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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