just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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