Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
