Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
