yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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