Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
