Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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