She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
