I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
