Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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