when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
