john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize