I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
