I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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