K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
