Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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