the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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