I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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