Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize