Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
