I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
