Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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