So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
