i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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