Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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