I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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