70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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