Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
