Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Randomize
