And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
