Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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