Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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