4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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