it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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