Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize