i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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