his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
barbara walters just said penis...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize