ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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