The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
