I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
