some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
