Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
