Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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